When Not Disappointing Others Backfires: How People-Pleasing Leads to Burnout, Resentment, and Regret
As a former people pleaser, I know the gut-wrenching guilt and anxiety that comes with setting boundaries, saying “no,” and choosing yourself over others. In an effort to avoid feeling this way, most people sacrifice themselves by not setting boundaries, asserting their needs, and overcommitting themselves. All of this is the perfect recipe for burnout and resentment. Sound familiar?
If you find yourself constantly putting others’ needs before your own, struggling to say no, or feeling exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy, you might be caught in the cycle of people-pleasing. The problem? What feels like avoiding conflict or maintaining harmony often backfires, leaving you drained, resentful, and disconnected from your own needs.
Am I a People-Pleaser?
People-pleasing can show up in subtle ways. You might not think of yourself as one, but if you resonate with any of the following, it may be time to take a closer look:
You feel responsible for other people’s feelings and often adjust your actions to prevent them from being upset.
You say “yes” to things you don’t want to do because you feel guilty saying “no.”
You fear disappointing others more than you fear overloading yourself.
You downplay your own needs and preferences to avoid conflict.
You feel anxious when someone is unhappy with you, even if you didn’t do anything wrong.
You struggle with setting or enforcing boundaries because you don’t want to seem “selfish.”
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us were conditioned to believe that putting others first is always the “right” thing to do. But in reality, constantly sacrificing yourself isn’t kindness—it’s self-neglect.
Why Do I Engage in People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing often stems from deep-rooted fears and beliefs developed in childhood or past experiences. Some common reasons include:
Fear of Rejection: You believe that if you don’t keep others happy, they will leave, withdraw love, or think less of you.
Avoidance of Conflict: You’d rather overextend yourself than risk an argument or someone being upset with you.
Validation Seeking: Your self-worth is tied to how much others approve of or need you.
Learned Behavior: If you grew up in an environment where love and acceptance were conditional, you may have learned to prioritize others’ needs over your own.
Control: Keeping others happy gives you a false sense of control over relationships and outcomes.
The problem is, this behavior doesn’t actually prevent disappointment or rejection—it just delays it while draining you in the process.
The Cost of People-Pleasing
At first, people-pleasing may seem like a good way to keep the peace. But over time, it comes with significant consequences, including:
Burnout: Constantly prioritizing others depletes your emotional and physical energy.
Resentment: Overcommitting yourself leads to frustration when you realize others don’t reciprocate the same effort.
Lost Identity: When you shape your life around meeting others’ expectations, you lose sight of what you want.
Weakened Relationships: People may take advantage of your kindness, or you may struggle to form authentic connections when you’re always saying what others want to hear.
Increased Anxiety and Stress: The constant worry about how others perceive you can be mentally exhausting.
The irony? People-pleasers often bend over backward to avoid disappointing others, but in doing so, they end up disappointing themselves—over and over again.
How to Overcome People-Pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing takes time, but it starts with small, intentional shifts. Here’s how:
Recognize the Pattern – Awareness is the first step. Start noticing when you feel compelled to say yes out of guilt or fear rather than genuine desire.
Challenge Your Beliefs – Ask yourself: Will saying no really make them hate me? Am I truly responsible for their happiness? Often, the worst-case scenario we imagine is far less dramatic than reality.
Start Small with Boundaries – You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Begin with low-stakes situations, like declining an event you don’t want to attend or taking longer to respond to requests instead of immediately saying yes.
Sit with the Discomfort – The guilt and anxiety that come with setting boundaries won’t last forever. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Remind yourself that discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re growing.
Reframe "Selfish" as "Self-Respect" – Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you’re abandoning others. Prioritizing your well-being allows you to show up as a happier, healthier version of yourself in your relationships.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People – Not everyone will like your new boundaries, and that’s okay. But the right people will respect and encourage your growth.
Final Thoughts
People-pleasing is a tough habit to break, but the cost of continuing it is far greater than the discomfort of unlearning it. If you’re feeling burned out, resentful, or exhausted from constantly trying to keep others happy, it’s time to prioritize yourself.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care about others—it means you care about yourself, too. And when you show up for yourself, you’ll find that the right people will respect and appreciate the real you, not just the version of you that bends to their needs.
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Need more support around people pleasing and fearing disappointing others? You’re in the right place. I’m Dr. Molly Moore, a licensed psychologist in Austin, TX who specializes in working with high-achieving women who experience anxiety, imposter syndrome, and burnout. Not in Austin, no problem! All services are provided online. Reach out today to get started!