Types of Boundaries: More Than Saying No

What are boundaries?

We all know the word “boundaries.” But what are they really? A lot of my clients enter therapy having an understanding of boundaries, but may not see how they might benefit from them. Or how they are suffering due to a lack of boundaries. Despite being tired and burnt out, they experience a knee-jerk reaction and say “yes” when their coworker asks them to cover their shift. They focus on the needs of others often at the expense of themselves which leaves them feeling drained. Or they mindlessly scroll on their phone for hours as a form of “self-care” and then experience poor sleep and are groggy the next day. Boundaries are often thought of as saying “no” when others ask for our help, support, or taking on more tasks. While that may certainly be a much-needed boundary, there are other types of boundaries that we might benefit from.

We all need boundaries. Boundaries communicate to others how they can be in healthy relationships with us. They help protect us from experiencing burnout by acknowledging and prioritizing our needs. For a lot of my clients, implementing boundaries can be difficult. They fear how others may respond to their boundaries and they feel guilty for setting them. But boundaries are necessary to live a fulfilling life. If the thought of setting a boundary with a family sends you into a high anxiety state, you’re not alone (been there)! Read below to see what types of boundaries stick out to you and if there are boundaries that might feel like a better place to start.

1. Financial Boundaries:

Financial boundaries involve establishing limits and guidelines regarding money within our relationships with others or ourselves. That might mean taking your lunch to work instead of buying Chipotle (ugh, I know). It can also include talking with our significant other about shared expenses, budgeting, and financial expectations. Clear financial boundaries can prevent misunderstandings, resentment, and conflicts related to money.

Example: Setting a budget for shared expenses in a romantic relationship and discussing individual financial goals. This may sound like “I can’t buy lunch today. Would you still like to eat together?”

2. Emotional Boundaries:

Emotional boundaries are essential for protecting one's emotional well-being. They involve recognizing and communicating personal feelings, needs, and limits, while also respecting the emotions of others. Much harder than it sounds! First, we need to have an awareness of recognizing our feelings, needs, and limits, and then asserting those in our relationships. Setting emotional boundaries may feel extremely vulnerable but can lead to feeling less resentful and improve our relationships with others.

Example: Communicating when you need space or time alone to process emotions. This may sound like “I need an hour to process my emotions and then we can repair.”

3. Physical Boundaries:

Physical boundaries relate to personal space and touch. These boundaries vary between individuals and cultures, and respecting them is crucial for maintaining comfort and consent. This means that you don’t have to hug others just because they “are huggers.” While knowing our own comfort surrounding physical boundaries, it’s important to also be aware that others may have different boundaries when it comes to physical touch.

Example: Communicating preferences about hugs or personal space in social interactions. This may sound like “I’m not comfortable giving a hug.”

4. Sexual Boundaries:

Sexual boundaries involve establishing clear guidelines and consent in intimate relationships. This includes communicating desires, setting limits, and respecting the boundaries of one's partner. In our society, talking about sex can certainly be taboo. But it is so necessary to have open communication with sexual partners about what we are comfortable with and what we are not. Being clear about our sexual boundaries can lead us to feeling safe and experience a fulfilling sexual relationship.

Example: Clearly communicating personal comfort levels, desires, and boundaries in a sexual relationship. This may sound like “I’m not comfortable doing that” or “Here is what I like when we have sex ____”

5. Intellectual Boundaries:

What are these?!?! I remember when I first heard about intellectual boundaries it was a new concept for me. Intellectual boundaries pertain to respecting the thoughts, ideas, and opinions of oneself and others. It involves acknowledging and valuing diverse perspectives without imposing one's views or dismissing the views of others. You might think about intellectual boundaries when you have to sit next to your uncle Tim at Thanksgiving and politics and religion get brought up. Pass the potatoes, please!

Example: Engaging in constructive discussions while respecting differing opinions without invalidating them. This may look like not engaging in conversations that are highly conflictual and where your opinion isn’t respected.

6. Time Boundaries:

This is an area where almost all of us can benefit from. Time boundaries involve managing and communicating how one's time is allocated. This includes setting limits on commitments, balancing personal and professional time, and respecting others' time constraints. This might be difficult in busy seasons of life but there are usually small boundaries with our time that we can benefit greatly from (e.g. going to bed earlier). Establishing time boundaries greatly helps prevent burnout, stress, and feelings of overwhelm.

Example: Setting realistic time limits for work tasks and communicating availability for social or family commitments. This may sound like “I can’t take that on right now” or “Thanks for thinking of me but I won’t be able to make it.”

Last Thoughts

Understanding and implementing these types of boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy and balanced relationships, whether in personal or professional spheres. It's important to note that boundaries are not about creating walls but about fostering clear communication, respect, and mutual understanding. Boundaries are not meant to be rigid and we may need to regularly reassess and adjust boundaries.

Can Therapy Help with Boundaries?

YES! While I wish that setting boundaries could be easy and you not experience guilt or uncomfortable feelings, that may not be the case. But you can learn where you might need to implement boundaries, what keeps you from setting boundaries, and how to set them without the overwhelming guilt that you’ve felt in the past.

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I am here to help you leave behind the self-doubt and constant overwhelm that keeps you stuck. I want you to have a rich and fulfilling life without sacrificing what matters most to you. I offer effective online therapy anywhere in Texas for clients experiencing self-doubt, anxiety, and burnout. If you’re ready to make changes and do the hard work- reach out today to get started!