Stop Being Mean to Yourself… You’re Not that Bad

Self-Criticism

Some of my clients enter therapy knowing that they are hard on themselves. They experience negative self-talk when they make mistakes and usually feel defeated. Other clients may not be aware of their inner self-talk and may not know that they are unnecessarily hard on themselves. Most of us have an inner critic. I don’t think I have sat across from a client who didn’t. So what is an inner critic?

What is an Inner Critic?

First off, I want to normalize that all of us have one. An inner critic, often referred to as that nagging voice within, can manifest in various thoughts and behaviors. One common sign is excessive self-doubt, where individuals second-guess their abilities and decisions, leading to feelings of inadequacy. Perfectionism is another telltale indicator, as the inner critic pushes for unattainable standards, causing anxiety and frustration when they are not met. Negative self-talk, such as constant self-criticism and harsh judgments, is a clear sign that the inner critic is active. People with an inner critic may also struggle with self-compassion and may have difficulty being kind to themselves when they mistakes. Additionally, a persistent fear of failure, avoidance of taking risks, and a tendency to seek external validation can all be indicative of an active inner critic.

An inner critic is likely an external voice that we have experienced and then internalized. This voice could come from parents, siblings, other family members, coaches, teachers, former bosses, etc. Most of my clients may not have awareness of the origin of their inner critic but through exploration, are usually able to identify experiences that may have shaped their inner critic. When clients enter therapy, this voice has often been around for so long that they may not realize how often and how harsh they are on themselves. And they would NEVER speak this way to their friends or loved ones.

Signs of Your Inner Critic

While everyone has an inner critic, especially my clients who are high achieving, it may be hard to notice at first. Have you ever taken a moment to reflect on your inner dialogue and noticed any of the following recurring thoughts or feelings?

Feeling "Not Good Enough": One of the most pervasive signs of an active inner critic is a persistent sense of not measuring up, a feeling of inadequacy that can undermine self-esteem and self-worth. This might manifest as doubting your abilities, accomplishments, or even your value as a person.

Judging Your Appearance: Your inner critic may zero in on your physical appearance, constantly evaluating and picking apart your perceived flaws or imperfections. This may lead to body image issues and a skewed self-image that can negatively affect your self-esteem.

Scolding Yourself for Mistakes: The inner critic often becomes most vocal when you make a mistake. It unleashes lots of self-criticism, blaming, and scolding, making you feel ashamed or guilty for your errors.

Self-Criticism: Negative self-talk can take the form of self-defeating thoughts, such as "You can't do that" or "What makes you think you are qualified?" These thoughts can prevent you from pursuing your goals and aspirations.

Recognizing these signs of your inner critic is the first step towards managing its impact on your life. It's essential to acknowledge that everyone has moments of self-doubt and self-criticism, but when these thoughts and feelings become constant and overwhelming, they can hinder personal growth and well-being. Understanding and learning to navigate your inner critic can lead to increased self-compassion, improved self-esteem, and a more positive outlook on life.

Is Self-Criticism Bad?

In therapy, my clients and I will explore their inner critic more to better understand this part of themselves. Once we get to know the inner critic more, we can see that it is a part of you that actually has a good intent. It isn’t a bad part of you (surprise, you have no bad parts). It’s a part of you that is likely stuck in a role that may no longer be serving you. My clients who get to know their inner critic see that it usually wants them to do well, excel, be a good friend, mom, partner, etc. It wants you to do well and is trying to motivate you. It may have worked for you at one point but now leaves you feeling depressed, anxious, and with low self-esteem.

Let’s think about how different approaches may or may not motivate us. For example, imagine you are on a sports team and you have a very critical coach, who expects nothing less than perfection, is quick to anger and yell, and calls you names as a way to push you. How does that feel? What if this coach was firm but also kind, pointing out your strengths as well as areas for improvement? That likely feels better and more motivating. Through therapy, we can develop a new role for your inner critic- moving away from a harsh and scolding tone to a more supportive and compassionate one. This leads you to be more effective at work and in your life without feeling constantly on edge and defeated.

Online Therapy for Imposter Syndrome, Self-Doubt, and Self-Criticism

Therapy is a great space and time to explore and get to know your inner critic more. I LOVE working with clients and their inner critics. These clients are bright, insightful, and hard-working. They're usually motivated to work on their inner critic and find more effective ways of motivating themselves. Ready to leave anxiety, imposter syndrome, and burnout behind without adding more to your already busy schedule? Let’s get to work!

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Hi! I’m Dr. Molly Moore, a licensed psychologist in Texas. I am here to help you leave behind the self-doubt and constant overwhelm that keeps you stuck. I want you to have a rich and fulfilling life without sacrificing what matters most to you. I offer effective online therapy anywhere in Texas for clients experiencing imposter syndrome, anxiety, and burnout. If you’re ready to make changes and do the hard work- reach out today to get started!