Boundaries are Freaking Hard. Why?!
Most of us know that boundaries are important and necessary to living a fulfilling life. But that doesn’t mean they are easy to set. Many of my clients know that boundaries are important but still struggle with implementing boundaries that could be helpful. Certain boundaries may feel easier to set, like sticking to a bedtime, whereas other boundaries may feel more daunting (especially setting boundaries with family and friends). This is so normal. Setting boundaries is hard! By understanding what might get in the way of setting boundaries, we can be more likely to work through any discomfort we may face and set boundaries, even if it feels hard.
What makes setting boundaries hard?
You May Engage in People-Pleasing Tendencies: Focusing on the needs of others, often at the expense of ourselves, can make setting boundaries hard. We are used to being the person others turn to for support, want to be seen as dependable, and often say “yes” despite an internal part of us yelling “no.” While this pattern may have served us in some ways, it may make it difficult to set boundaries. Boundaries are about advocating for ourselves and our needs and this may feel scary when our pattern has been to sacrifice ourselves for others.
Fear of Others’ Reaction: Maybe you’ve tried to set boundaries with others and they have not responded well or have continued to overstep your boundaries. This is common and it often leaves us feeling like it isn’t worth it to set boundaries. Others’ reactions to your boundaries do not mean that your boundaries are wrong. You are not responsible for others’ reactions to your boundaries. And people responding negatively to our boundaries may be data for us to reflect on how we want to move forward.
Fear of How Others Will Perceive You: I’ve heard from clients that they fear if they set boundaries that others will perceive them as being “rude” or “selfish.” This can be extremely difficult and make setting boundaries difficult. It’s normal to worry about how others perceive us. But if we place more importance in how others may or may perceive us, we keep ourselves stuck in patterns that may not be working for us. It’s a tough lesson to learn that we have zero control over how other people perceive us. Once we can let go of this, we can show up for ourselves in ways that we weren’t able to before.
Doing Something New: Maybe you’ve engaged in people-pleasing tendencies or have tried to set boundaries with others that were not firm or clear. If this has been our pattern for a long time, it may feel safe even if it isn’t benefitting us. So it makes complete sense that setting boundaries and doing something different, could be difficult and scary. But just because it is new and scary, doesn’t mean that we can’t do it. We can do hard things and learn new ways of being that are actually more beneficial for us even if we have long-standing patterns of not showing up for ourselves.
Difficulty Tolerating Uncomfortable Feelings: Setting boundaries can bring up uncomfortable feelings. Most of us would rather avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings, myself included. These uncomfortable feelings that may come with setting boundaries is part of the process, common, and totally normal. It does not mean that the boundaries are wrong. And we can learn how to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that may come up so they don’t get in the way of setting boundaries.
Last Thoughts
Underneath what makes setting boundaries hard is fear. Fear of what others will think about us, fear of tolerating uncomfortable emotions or reactions from others, and fear of doing something different. But what about the fear of not setting the boundary? The fear of things not changing and still being stuck in patterns and situations that deplete you. Getting rid of the fear is not a prerequisite to setting boundaries. We can do hard things, and set boundaries, even if we are afraid. The more we practice and start implementing boundaries in our lives, we feel more confident in our ability to show up for ourselves. You can do hard things.
Online Therapy in Texas
Want some help in working through the fear of setting boundaries? Therapy can help! Therapy is a wonderful resource for you to explore and work through how fear may prevent you from setting boundaries. If you feel like you could benefit from some extra support in setting boundaries, I would love to help!
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Hi! I’m Dr. Molly Moore, a licensed psychologist in Texas. I am here to help you leave behind the self-doubt and constant overwhelm that keeps you stuck. I want you to have a rich and fulfilling life without sacrificing what matters most to you. I offer effective online therapy anywhere in Texas for clients experiencing imposter syndrome, anxiety, and burnout. If you’re ready to make changes and do the hard work- reach out today to get started!